I hate all holidays

and you cant help but ask why

my son just asked why but had no interest in listening to the answer, just as well, I dont see any benefit in him hearing that.

but you might.

every holiday there is, is greatly defigned by how much the bread winner in a family is able to earn and therefore pay for the quality of said holiday, none so great as christmas. each is a painful reminder that you are not wealthy and worse yet there is always the rediculous supposition that you are simple being a sourpuss that money really doesnt matter, as each member of your family has a sad longing in their eyes for something that you surely should be able to provide for them that you surely cannot.

this year grandmas saved the day, one of our three kids will get nearly everything on his list, not because I manage to make a rediculous amount of money but because 2 people who no longer have to support a family found it in their hearts to send us money in time to make christmas happen. I am grateful beyond words. Yet, in this culture a 'real man' would have found some magical way to play the game and make his life all about work while simultaniously being there for his family at just the right time, striking this wonderful balance that doesnt exist for any guy who ever lived. My dad bought me ski lessons for christmas when I was 10, sent me to japan when I was 16, died when I was 21. I was just thinking today how hard it is to even remember him already. I cant afford to take my sons skiing, cant imagine sending them to japan, I'm here with them but somehow without the things that cost money it doesnt seem to be enough. so its not possible to be a good dad, how nice. I love them so much and yet I am faced with such horrible choices, horrible choices really, do I give them the leg up that they need to make it in the world or do I give them a dad that is really there for them? so I do my best which winds up being very little of either, I'm here but I am not here, I have a good job that pays well but I live in an area - where the job is - that leaves me with nothing left to give them even monitarily. and we are very stuck in that reality.

how far we have come.

dont we deserve more from life than this? I mean, at least if thats what we want and what we work for? cant I at least be a good father and husband? or is that too much to ask?

I remember my dad telling me that he really hated being an engineer, really hated it, for 25 fucking years! and nobody cared, I would have cared, if I had known but it wasnt ok for him to complain back then, once I was grown he felt safe confiding in me, not my mom, sisters or his friends, just me, another man, facing the same darkness, I felt horrible, all those trips to hawaii, japan, the skiing, I would give anything for him to have just been happy all those years. he finally took time for himself and went after what he really wanted to do with his life, was only a thesis away from a phd and already had a high paying consulting gig in his new field, he was gainfully employed at that for about 2 weeks before he got sick, living with a friend, broke, after a lifetime of success and money and pride. he died broke and unfullfilled.

he was 51, I am only 34 now but I feel like I am way ahead of him, killing myself for nothing.

but what else could I possibly do? nothing else is really acceptable and I am ok with that, I just wish someone understood, I wish my dad was still alive, he would understand and that would be enough.