its the end of the world as we know it

so its 2012 and i haven't posted since before the big 'crash' when the housing market finally snapped the card house foundation it was standing on. everyone saw that coming except the people who get paid to see that coming.

so end of this year is the end of days, the end of the mayan calendar etc... i've never fully understood people's focus on this kind of thing, its like, the whole planet is going to blow up and you want to be in the know so you can be cowering in the basement when it happens rather than playing stickball with your mates out in the street after woofing down a whole cheesecake.

I dont know about you but the last bit sounds a tad better way to go.

I miss california. you really can't ever leave, once it's gotten under your skin, it just stays there like a tatoo and everywhere else on earth seems like ya know its got its cool things but they are all just sort of a mediocre bad chinese copy.

i wonder if i will have an office this nice in our home there, i wonder if we will really move there, back for me new for the rest of my fam, i wonder if the big boys will fall in love with it and move there, i bet they will, its hard not to love, people are happy there and they smile a lot more than anywhere else.

i feel torn though, i think it would help to have access to people we know or at least one of us does but then it would also be better for us if it was a place that was new for all of us, our own new adventure, I know the bay area like the back of my hand, inch by inch, which is great but then it will feel like its my place my friends and such to my wife which might alienate her, so maybe its better if we could get there in a couple hours but we could get to her cool family too and with a bit more to some more of mine. oh that house we found it was so nice, even more expensive than this one unfortunately which sucks because i'm done being mr badass career ass kisser money man, i'm fine with making lots of money, even earning it but no more of that kissing the ass of a shitweazel to do it, fuck that.

i want to get paid to turn dead vw busses into modular sound proof offices that are like a swiss army knife you sit inside of. i want to tell stories and make people laugh and act in a movie or tv show. I want to make my family proud of me, not just the petty crap a big brain can churn out, my day jobs as a computer geek have been fine i guess but they are just leveraging an ability to see problems and systems in a way most people never can, it feels like a parlor trick, its never even really mentally hard though i pretend it is most of the time just to fit in. i should be running a physics lab at mit but even that sounds so pedestrian, i need my own lab, i need to change the world in a way no one though possible, its like this itch, like, damn if you could just see what a person like me could do unhindered then everyone would get this great epiphany and the world would shift upward consciously in an instant and people would be happier and they would listen to their children and they'd get that their children are the gift not their own lives and they'd get that its silly to be afraid of death when you don't really live.

i miss skiing. very few people get what its really about, for me its about painting mountains on them and of them, its a connection to the earth not unlike surfers find but in such a different way, you can't imagine what it feels like to draw an S in the snow in a place that takes 10 years and 2 hours to get to, just 2 turns then more hiking, so few people will ever get that feeling, the wall of white fluff flying up beside you, the increasing density of the ever deeper fresh powder snow beneath you, the deafening silence, the majesty of the 4000 feet of mountain around you, the unimaginable beauty of the world below you.

only very few people are ever so lucky, and i got to do that for years, even with my fucked up knees and havent been in a decade, i still feel such gratitude that i ever got to do that, it must be like how people who walked on the moon feel, they wish others could, they'd love to go again but they are so glad they did that its all ok, it happened, they left a mark, they saw the earth from another place.

namaste.